My mother was a woman hollowed out like a treestruck by lightning. I wanted to know why.

　　Ever since her first suicide attempt, in 1978, when Iwas 22, I had been trying to fill in gaps. She wasgone much of the time in my early childhood, andwhen she returned nobody spoke about the absence.

　　我母親生前是一個沒了生命活力的人，就像一棵被閃電擊中的樹。我很想知道為什么她會這樣。

　　1978年，我22歲時，她第一次自殺未遂，自那之后，我就一直在試著找到答案。在我年幼時，她很多時候都不在家中，當(dāng)她回來時，大家都對她之前的離開避而不談。

　　I learned much later that she had suffered acute depression after my younger sister’s birth in1957. She was in hospitals and sanitariums being shot full of insulin — a treatment then invogue for severe mental disorder — and electricity. The resulting spasms, seizures,convulsions and comas were supposed to jar her from her “puerperal psychosis,” the termthen used in England for postpartum depression.

　　In 1958, my mother was admitted to the Holloway Sanatorium, the sprawling Victorian Gothicfantasy of a 19th-century tycoon, Thomas Holloway, who amassed a fortune through the saleof dubious medicinal concoctions. The sanitarium, opened in 1885, was a great heap of gabledredbrick buildings, topped by a tower rising 145 feet into the damp air of Surrey.

　　很久以后，我才知道，我妹妹1957年出生后，母親就患上了嚴(yán)重的抑郁癥。她住在醫(yī)院和療養(yǎng)院，被注射了大劑量的胰島素——當(dāng)時用它來治療嚴(yán)重的精神障礙——并接受電擊療法。人們認為，由此產(chǎn)生的痙攣、抽搐、驚厥和昏迷可以讓她從“產(chǎn)后精神病”中恢復(fù)過來。當(dāng)年在英格蘭，“產(chǎn)后精神病”指的就是產(chǎn)后抑郁癥。

　　1958年，我的母親住進了霍洛威療養(yǎng)院(Holloway Sanatorium)，那是一座龐大的建筑，是19世紀(jì)大亨托馬斯·霍洛威(Thomas Holloway)的維多利亞哥特式幻想，此人通過出售可疑的藥用配劑積累了財富。這家療養(yǎng)院于1885年開業(yè)，它由很多三角墻紅磚建筑組成，還有一個145英尺高的尖頂，聳立在薩里郡潮濕的空氣中。

　　Run initially as a private institution, the Holloway Sanatorium became a mental hospitalwithin Britain’s National Health Service after World War II. It was not closed until 1981. Many ofits records and casebooks were burned. The gutted building became a setting for horrormovies. Directors could not believe their luck. It is now a gated community of luxury homes.

　　Some records were preserved at the Surrey History Center. In the faint hope that a traceremained of my mother, I wrote to inquire. My parents had never spoken in any detail of herfirst depression. A letter came back a few weeks later. References to June Bernice Cohen hadbeen located in the admissions register and in ward reports from July 1958.

　　霍洛威療養(yǎng)院最初是一家民營機構(gòu)，第二次世界大戰(zhàn)后成為英國國民健康服務(wù)(National Health Service)系統(tǒng)中的精神病院，一直到1981年才停業(yè)。它的很多記錄和病例資料都被燒毀。后來這棟內(nèi)部被掏空的建筑物成為了拍恐怖片的地方。導(dǎo)演們簡直不敢相信自己如此好運。現(xiàn)在，它則成為了一個封閉的豪宅社區(qū)。

　　該療養(yǎng)院的有些記錄保存在薩里歷史中心(Surrey History Center)。我覺得母親當(dāng)年的資料可能還留有片紙只言，于是懷著微弱的希望，給他們寫去了詢問信。我父母從來沒有談到她第一次抑郁癥發(fā)作時的任何細節(jié)。幾個星期后，我收到了回信。他們在1958年7月之后的一些入院注冊和病房報告中，找到了吉恩·伯尼斯·科恩(June Bernice Cohen)的名字。

　　These showed that “she was patient number 9413, was admitted on 25th July 1958 anddischarged on 12th September 1958.” The ward reports for most of August and Septemberhad vanished. I applied under Britain’s Freedom of Information Act to see the records.

　　My re-encounter with my mother involved painstaking negotiation with an archivist. At lastI was presented with the weighty register for female patients. Entries are written withfountain pen in cursive script. In columns across the page my mother is identified. “Name:June Bernice COHEN. Ref Number: 9413. Age: 29. Marital Status: Married. Religion: JEW.”

　　這些資料顯示，“她的患者編號是9413，1958年7月25日入院，1958年9月12日出院。8月和9月的病房報告大部分已經(jīng)散失。我以英國的《信息自由法》(Freedom of Information Act)為依據(jù)，要求查看這些資料。

　　在和一位檔案管理員進行過艱苦的交涉之后，我與母親再度重逢。最后我收到了一份沉甸甸的注冊表，里面是女性患者的資料。條目用鋼筆草體寫成。在一些橫跨整頁的欄目中，我找到了母親的資料?！靶彰杭?amp;middot;伯尼斯·科恩。編號：9413。年齡：29歲?；橐鰻顩r：已婚。宗教：猶太教徒?！?/p>

　　I stared at her age — so young — and at the capitalized entry under religion: “JEW.” The nounform has a weight the adjective, Jewish, lacks. It seems loaded with a monosyllabic distaste,which was redoubled by the strange use of the uppercase. June was not religious. She is theyoungest on the page. She is also the only non-Christian.

　　The first ward notes on my mother read, “History of depression in varying degrees since birthof second child, now fourteen months old. Husband is engaged in medical research. Patient hassome private psychotherapy and also modified insulin treatment at St. Mary’s last month,being discharged July 8th. On admission she was depressed, tearful and withdrawn.”

　　我盯著她的年齡——如此年輕——以及宗教一欄中的大寫字母：“JEW(猶太教徒)”。這個名詞形式，具有形容詞“Jewish(猶太)”所缺乏的分量。它似乎承載著一個單音節(jié)的厭惡，然后通過用奇怪的大寫字母用法再次加倍。吉恩對宗教并不熱衷。她是這一頁上最年輕的患者。也是唯一的非

　　我母親的第一條病房記錄中寫著，“自從生下第二個孩子，就患有不同程度的抑郁癥，現(xiàn)在已有14個月。丈夫從事醫(yī)學(xué)研究?；颊呓邮苓^一些私人心理治療，上個月在圣瑪麗醫(yī)院(St. Mary’s)接受過改良的胰島素治療，于7月8日出院。入院時，她情緒沮喪、流淚、沉默不語?！?/p>

　　The doctor examining my mother was struck by how “her tension increased remarkably onmention of latest child.” I ran my fingers over the page and paused at “JEW.” I wanted to take asoothing poultice to her face.

　　On July 28, 1958, my mother was visited by a Dr. Storey. He “confirms diagnosis of post-puerperal depression and advises Electro-Convulsive Therapy (ECT), which patient andhusband are now willing to accept.”

　　“當(dāng)提到最近生下的孩子時，她的緊張程度明顯增加”，給她做檢查的醫(yī)生明顯地注意到了這一點。我的手指拂過頁面，并在“猶太教徒”上暫時停留。我想抹一些舒緩膏藥在她的臉上。

　　1958年7月28日，一位斯托雷醫(yī)生(Dr. Storey)對我母親進行了診斷。他“確認了產(chǎn)后抑郁癥的診斷，建議采取電痙攣療法(ECT)，患者和她的丈夫都表示接受”。

　　She first underwent electroshock treatment on July 30, 1958. I see my slight young motherwith metal plates on either side of her head, flattening her dark curls, her heart racing as herskull is enclosed in a high-voltage carapace. I can almost taste the material wedged in herover-salivating mouth for her to bite on as the current passes.

　　The treatment was repeated a second time, on Aug. 1, 1958. That was one day before my thirdbirthday. So, at last, that is where she was.

　　她首次經(jīng)受電擊治療是在1958年7月30日。我仿佛見到了我那年輕瘦小的母親，在頭兩側(cè)都戴上了金屬板，她黑色的卷發(fā)被壓平了，她的頭顱被裹在高電壓的頭罩之中，心臟在狂跳。我?guī)缀跄車L到塞進她淌著口水的嘴里，讓她在電流通過時咬住的那個物體的質(zhì)地。

　　1958年8月1日，這種治療又重復(fù)了一次。一天之后，就是我的三歲生日。終于，我知道了她當(dāng)時在哪里。

　　I now have some facts to anchor memory, fragments to fill absence. My mother, who recoveredsufficiently to be stable, if fragile, for about 15 years through my childhood and adolescence,would suffer from manic depression, or bipolar disorder, through the latter third of her life.She died in 1999 at the age of 69. The ravages of this condition I observed; the onset of hermental instability I only felt.

　　The hidden hurts most. Mental illness is still too clouded in taboo. It took me a long time to findwhere my mother disappeared to. Knowledge in itself resolves nothing, but it helps.

　　Acceptance — it comes down to that. This is how I came to this point, and to this place, by thislooping road, from such anguish, and I am still alive and full of hope.

　　現(xiàn)在，我了解了一些事實可以寄托回憶，也有了一些片段來填補母親不在身旁那段記憶的空白。母親的病情有了足夠的好轉(zhuǎn)，在我童年和少年的15年時間里，她盡管虛弱，但情況穩(wěn)定。但她在生命的最后三分之一，又會承受躁狂抑郁癥，也就是雙相障礙的痛苦。她在1999年去世，時年69歲。我目睹了疾病的摧殘，但只能憑感覺猜想她精神剛開始不穩(wěn)定時的狀況。

　　隱藏的創(chuàng)傷最為痛苦。精神疾病仍然深深地籠罩在禁忌之中。我花了很長時間才發(fā)現(xiàn)母親消失后到了哪里。知道這一點，并不能解決任何問題，但畢竟有所幫助。

　　接受——歸根結(jié)底就是這樣。我就是這樣，經(jīng)過兜兜轉(zhuǎn)轉(zhuǎn)的路程，從這樣的苦痛出發(fā)，走到了現(xiàn)在，來到了這里。而我還活著，還充滿希望。