英語幽默冷笑話

　　下面是學(xué)習(xí)啦小編整理的英語幽默冷笑話，歡迎大家閱讀!

　　英語幽默冷笑話：Lose One Pound減掉一磅

　　I complimented one of my co-workers on having lost ten pounds. However, I couldn't resist bragging that when I was 17, 1 weighed 225 pounds and today I tip the scales at 224. 1 added, "That's not bad for a man of my age."

　　Overhearing this, a woman remarked, "You mean to say it took you all this time to lose one pound?"

　　我稱贊我的一個(gè)同事減肥10磅?？墒?，我禁不住夸耀說我17歲時(shí)，體重225磅，而目前體重是224磅。我還說：“這對我這樣年齡的男子來說，是不錯(cuò)的。”

　　一個(gè)女子聽到了這些話，她說道：“你是說你花了這么長時(shí)間才減了1磅?”

　　英語幽默冷笑話：The doctor lives downstairs醫(yī)生住在樓下

　　"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."

　　He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."

　　“醫(yī)生”她沖進(jìn)屋后大聲說道。“我想讓你坦率地說我到底得了什么病。”

　　他從頭到腳打量打量她，然后大聲說：“太太，我有三件事要對你說。第一，您的體重需要減少大約50磅;第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口紅，您的美貌將會(huì)改變。第三，我是一位畫家——醫(yī)生住在樓下。”

　　英語幽默冷笑話：它們是從美國直接帶來的

　　Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.

　　At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."

　　一位中國老婦人在美國看望女兒回來不久，到一家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行柜臺(tái)，銀行職員認(rèn)真檢查了每一張鈔票，看是否有假。

　　這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩，最后實(shí)在忍耐不住說：“相信我，先生，也請你相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，它們是從美國直接帶來的。”

　　英語幽默冷笑話：He is really somebody他真是一個(gè)大人物

　　My uncle has 1000 men under him.

　　He is really somebody. What does he do?

　　A maintenance man in a cemetery.

　　我叔叔下面有1000個(gè)人。

　　他真是一個(gè)大人物。干什么的?

　　墓地守墓人。

　　英語幽默冷笑話：請把胡子還給我

　　A man who sold brooms went into a barber’s shop to get shaved. The barber brought one of his brooms. After he had shaved him, he asked for the price of the brooms.

　　“Two pence,” said the man.

　　“No, no,” said the barber. “I will give you a penny, and if you don’t think that is enough, you may take your broom back!”

　　The man took it and asked what he had to pay his shave.

　　“A penny,” said the barber.

　　“I will give you a half penny, and if that is not enough, you may put my beard on again.”

　　一個(gè)賣掃帚的人去理發(fā)店修面。理發(fā)師從他那里買了一把掃帚。當(dāng)理發(fā)師給他修面后，問一下他掃帚的價(jià)格。

　　買掃帚的人說：“兩個(gè)便士。”

　　“不，不。”理發(fā)師說：“ 我只出一個(gè)便士，如果你認(rèn)為不夠的話，可以把掃帚拿回去。”

　　賣掃帚的人拿回了掃帚，隨后問修面要付多少錢。

　　“一便士。”理發(fā)師說。

　　賣掃帚的人說：“我給你半個(gè)便士，如果不夠的話，請把我的胡子還給我。”

　　英語幽默冷笑話：相親

　　After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.""Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

　　和盲約對象呆了一晚上后，男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了個(gè)朋友給他打電話，這樣他就能借故先離開了。當(dāng)他回到桌邊，他垂下眼睛，裝出一副陰沉的表情，說：“有個(gè)不幸的消息，我的祖父剛剛?cè)ナ懒恕?rdquo;“謝天謝地!”他的約會(huì)對象說，“如果你的祖父不死，我的祖父就得死了!”

　　英語幽默冷笑話：Boss's idea

　　When my printer's type began to go faint, I called a repair shop where a friendly man told me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

　　Because the shop charged 50 pounds for such cleanings, he told me, it would be better for me to read the printer's directions and try the job myself.

　　Pleasantly surprised by his words, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

　　"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to repair things themselves first."

　　由于我的打印機(jī)不能打印出清晰的字來，我就打電話給維修部。電話是一位非常和藹的男人接的，他說我的打印機(jī)也許只是需要清理一下。

　　他還說，如果讓維修部清理的話要交50英鎊的清理費(fèi)，讓我最好看看使用手冊自己試著清理。

　　當(dāng)時(shí)我真的被他的話感動(dòng)了，就問他：“你們老板知道你這樣拒絕生意么?”

　　“事實(shí)上，這就是我們老板的主意，”雇員答道：“因?yàn)槿绻覀冏層脩粝茸孕行蘩泶蛴C(jī)的話就能掙更多的錢。”

　　英語幽默冷笑話：Talking on the Telephone

　　Each Sunday the minister called the children to the front of the church while he told them a story. Once he brought a telephone to better illustrate the idea of prayer.

　　"You talk to people on the telephone and don't see them on the other end of the line, right?" he began.

　　The children nodded yes. "Well, talking to God is like talking on the telephone. He's on the other end, but you can't see him. He is listening though."

　　Just then a little boy piped up and asked, "What's his number?"

　　每個(gè)星期天牧師都會(huì)把孩子們叫到教堂前面，然后給他們講一個(gè)故事。一天，他為了更好地闡述祈禱的含義，帶來了一臺(tái)電話機(jī)。

　　“你們和別人在電話里交談，并沒有看到電話線另一端的人，對嗎?”他開始問道。孩子們點(diǎn)頭稱是。“好的，和上帝交談就象通過電話交談一樣。他就在另一端，雖然你看不見他，但是他正在聆聽你的心聲。”

　　就在這時(shí)，一個(gè)小男孩尖著嗓子問道：“那他的電話號(hào)碼是什么?”

　　英語幽默冷笑話：The Name of a Poet

　　Our teacher was telling us about a new system of memory training being used in some schools today. It works like this, she said. Suppose you wanted tore member the name of a poetRobert Burns, for instance. She told us to think of him as Bobby Burns. Now get in your head a picture of a London policeman, a bobby in flames. See? Bobby Burns! I see what you mean, said the class know it all. But how can you tell that it's Not Robert Browning?

　　我們的老師正在給我們介紹現(xiàn)在某些學(xué)校使用的一種新的記憶訓(xùn)練系統(tǒng)。這個(gè)系統(tǒng)是這樣的，她說，假定你要記住一個(gè)詩人的名字，例如，要記住羅伯特·彭斯的名字。她告訴我們把他當(dāng)作博比·彭斯，讓你的腦海里閃現(xiàn)出一個(gè)倫敦警察的形象，燃燒著的警察。明白嗎?警察燃燒! 我明白你的意思，班上的萬事通說，但是你怎么能說那就不是羅伯特·布朗寧呢?

　　英語幽默冷笑話：誰欠誰錢

　　A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me .50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for .50. Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: 0 due for a consultation.

　　律師的狗，沒有拴而到處閑逛，它來到一家肉店，偷走了一塊 烤肉。店主來到律師的辦公室，問道“如果一條沒栓的狗從我的商店里偷了塊肉，我有權(quán)利從狗的主人那里要回?fù)p失嗎?律師答道：“完全可以”，“那你欠我 8.50美元，你的狗沒栓而且今天從我的店里頭了塊肉”，律師什么都沒說，馬上給他寫了一張支票。一些天后，店主打開郵箱，發(fā)現(xiàn)一封來自律師的信，信上寫 道：咨詢費(fèi)250美元。

　　英語幽默冷笑話：a King from a Knave

　　George Ⅲ asked the once wellknown wit, Horne Tooke,whether he could play cards.Your Majesty, replied Tooke, I am a mere childwhere cards are concerned. I cannot even tell a King from a Knave.

　　喬治三世問一度大名鼎鼎的才子霍恩·圖克，會(huì)不會(huì)玩紙牌。陛下，圖克回答說：在玩紙牌方面，我只不過是幼兒園的水平。我甚至分不清國王和無賴。

　　英語幽默冷笑話：婚禮上有長官在

　　A police stopped a motorist who was speeding on the street. "But officer," the man said, "I can explain.""Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to put you in jail until the chief gets back.""But ,officer, I ….""I said to keep quiet! You are going to jail!"A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "You are lucky because the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.""Are you sure?" answered the man in the cell. "I'm the groom."

　　大街上的一個(gè)超速駕駛者被警察攔住了。“但是警官”這個(gè)人說道，“我可以解釋的”。“保持安靜”，警察突然說道。“我將把你送往監(jiān)獄，直到長官回來。“但是，警察，我……”。“我說過了保持安靜，你要到監(jiān)獄了。”幾小時(shí)后，警察向監(jiān)獄里看了看說道“算你運(yùn)氣好，因?yàn)槲覀兊拈L官正在他女兒的婚禮上。他將帶著一個(gè)愉快的心情回來的。”“你確定”在牢房里的這個(gè)人說道。“我就是新郎呀”。