英語(yǔ)爆笑短文

　　下面是學(xué)習(xí)啦小編整理的英語(yǔ)爆笑短文，希望大家會(huì)喜歡!

　　英語(yǔ)爆笑短文：我當(dāng)時(shí)還不缺錢

　　Looking very unhappy, a poor man entered a doctor's consulting-room.

　　"Doctor," he said, "you must help me. I swallowed a penny about a month ago."

　　"Good heavens, man!" said the doctor. "Why have you waited so long? Why don't you come to me on the day you swallowed it?"

　　"To tell you the truth, Doctor," the poor man replied, "I didn't need the money so badly then."

　　一個(gè)看起來(lái)很難受的窮人走進(jìn)大夫的診室。

　　"大夫!"他說(shuō)，"幫幫我!一個(gè)月前我吞了一分硬幣!"

　　"天哪，"大夫說(shuō)，"早干嘛去了?你當(dāng)時(shí)怎么不來(lái)看?"

　　"實(shí)話告訴您吧，大夫，"窮人說(shuō)，"我當(dāng)時(shí)還不缺錢!"

　　英語(yǔ)爆笑短文：Where is the father?父親在哪兒?

　　Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.

　　"Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"

　　"Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"

　　The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."

　　兄弟倆在看一些漂亮的油畫。

　　“看，”哥哥說(shuō)，“這些畫多漂亮呀!”

　　“是啊，”弟弟說(shuō)道，“可是在所有這些畫中，只有媽媽和孩子。那爸爸去哪兒了呢?”

　　哥哥想了會(huì)兒，然后解釋道：“很明顯，他當(dāng)時(shí)正在畫這些畫唄。”

　　英語(yǔ)爆笑短文：Son and Dad

　　Son: "Dad, you are available to you on Friday afternoon?"

　　Dad: "What ah?"

　　Son: "mini-school parents have to open the forum!"

　　Dad: "What is micro-parents forum?"

　　Son: "It's only a class, you and I participate in!"

　　兒子：“爸爸，星期五下午您有空嗎?”

　　爸爸：“什么事啊?”

　　兒子：“學(xué)校要開(kāi)微型家長(zhǎng)座談會(huì)!”

　　爸爸：“什么叫微型家長(zhǎng)座談會(huì)?”

　　兒子：“就是只有班主任，你和我參加!”

　　英語(yǔ)爆笑短文：圣誕老人的真實(shí)職業(yè) Santa's True Profession

　　Do You Know Santa's True Profession?

　　Consider the following:

　　1. You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants."

　　2. Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.

　　3. Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the work.

　　4. Santa doesn't work a 40-hour week.

　　5. Santa travels a lot.

　　Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!

　　圣誕老人的真實(shí)職業(yè)是什么?

　　考慮以下幾點(diǎn)

　　1. 你其實(shí)從來(lái)沒(méi)見(jiàn)過(guò)圣誕老人，你看見(jiàn)的都是他得助手(他得助手真的好多，除了過(guò)圣誕節(jié)的所有父母外，還有職業(yè)“圣誕老人”)

　　2. 圣誕老人不想退休，就可以一直當(dāng)他的圣誕老人。

　　3. 圣誕老人不會(huì)做實(shí)事，他都是指揮一堆幫手幫他做完所有的事情，但是事情做得好還是不好，功績(jī)和責(zé)任都算圣誕老人的。

　　4. 圣誕老人實(shí)行的可不是朝九晚五雙休制。

　　5. 圣誕老人經(jīng)常旅行

　　圣誕老人顯然是一個(gè)高級(jí)職員(please, 這世界上還有比他的工作更好的工作嗎?)

　　英語(yǔ)爆笑短文：I Have His Ear in My Pocket

　　I Have His Ear in My Pocket

　　Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"

　　"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.

　　"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.

　　"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

　　他的耳朵在我衣兜里

　　伊凡鼻子流著血回到家里。他媽媽問(wèn)，“發(fā)生了什么事?”

　　“一個(gè)男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡說(shuō)。

　　“再見(jiàn)到他你能認(rèn)出來(lái)嗎?”媽媽問(wèn)。

　　“他走到哪里我都能認(rèn)出他，”伊凡說(shuō)。“他的耳朵還在我衣兜里呢。”

　　英語(yǔ)爆笑短文：the woman who loves you most?

　　One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.

　　On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out.'The woman who loves

　　you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield.'

　　My husband looked up and said, 'Mom's here?'

　　一天晚上我開(kāi)著丈夫的車去購(gòu)物，回來(lái)后發(fā)現(xiàn)車身沾滿灰塵，于是擦洗了一陣。當(dāng)我終于走進(jìn)屋里時(shí)大聲喊：“世界上最愛(ài)你的女人剛擦洗了你的車燈和擋風(fēng)玻璃。”

　　我丈夫抬頭看了看，說(shuō)：“媽媽來(lái)了?”

　　英語(yǔ)爆笑短文：sells the candy

　　Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

　　"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

　　"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly.

　　"Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

　　"She is the one who sells the candy."

　　小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。

　　“昨天給你的錢干什么了?”

　　“我給了一個(gè)可憐的老太婆，”他回答說(shuō)。

　　“你真是個(gè)好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說(shuō)。

　　“再給你兩分錢?？赡銥槭裁磳?duì)那位老太太那么感興趣呢?”

　　“她是個(gè)賣糖果的。”

　　英語(yǔ)爆笑短文：汪汪叫的妻子

　　A man who had been married for ten years was consulting a marriage counselor. “When I was first married，I was very happy. I'd come home from a hard day down at the shop，and my little dog would race around barking，and my wife would bring me my slippers.Now everything's changed.When I come home，my dog brings me my slippers，and my wife barks at me.” “I don't know what you're complaining about，”said the counselor.“You're still getting the same service.”

　　一個(gè)結(jié)婚十年的男人正在請(qǐng)教一位婚姻顧問(wèn)。“剛結(jié)婚那會(huì)兒，我非常幸福。我在店里勞累一天回到家，我的小狗會(huì)繞著我跑，汪汪叫，而我的妻子給我拿來(lái)拖鞋?，F(xiàn)在一切都變了。我回到家里，我的狗給我拿來(lái)拖鞋，我的妻子對(duì)著我汪汪叫。” “我不知道你在抱怨什么，”婚姻顧問(wèn)說(shuō)。“你得到的服務(wù)還是一樣的呀。”

　　英語(yǔ)爆笑短文：訓(xùn)練記住詩(shī)人的名字

　　The Name of a PoetOur teacher was telling us about a new system of memory training being used in some schools today. “It works like this，” she said.“Suppose you wanted tore member the name of a poet—Robert Burns，for instance.”She told us to think of him as Bobby Burns.“Now get in your head a picture of a London policeman，a bobby in flames.See?Bobby Burns!” “I see what you mean，” said the class know it all.“But how can you tell that it's Not Robert Browning?”

　　我們的老師正在給我們介紹現(xiàn)在某些學(xué)校使用的一種新的記憶訓(xùn)練系統(tǒng)。“這個(gè)系統(tǒng)是這樣的，”她說(shuō)。“假定你要記住一個(gè)詩(shī)人的名字——例如，要記住羅伯特·彭斯的名字。”她告訴我們把他當(dāng)作博比·彭斯。“讓你的腦海里閃現(xiàn)出一個(gè)倫敦警察的形象，燃燒著的警察。明白嗎?警察燃燒!” “我明白你的意思，”班上的萬(wàn)事通說(shuō)。“但是你怎么能說(shuō)那就不是羅伯特·布朗寧呢?”

　　英語(yǔ)爆笑短文：大手

　　Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?Student: Big hands.

　　老師：如果我左手上有7個(gè)桔子，右手上有8個(gè)桔子。那么我有什么?學(xué)生：大手。

　　英語(yǔ)爆笑短文：An Exact Number

　　A tourist was visiting New Mexico and was amazed at the dinosaur bones lying about.

　　"How old are these bones?" the tourist asked an elderly Native American, who served as a guide.

　　"Exactly one hundred million and three years old.

　　"How can you be so sure?" inquired the tourist.

　　"Well," replied the guide, " a geologist came by here and told me these bones were one hundred million years old, and that was exactly three years ago.

　　一位游客在新墨西哥游覽。他對(duì)隨處可見(jiàn)的恐龍化石甚感驚奇。

　　“這些化石有多長(zhǎng)的歷史?”游客問(wèn)一個(gè)上了年紀(jì)的當(dāng)?shù)孛绹?guó)人。他是作向?qū)У摹?/p>

　　“整整十億零三年了。” “你怎么這么肯定?”游客問(wèn)道。 “哦，”向?qū)Щ卮鸬溃?ldquo;一個(gè)地質(zhì)學(xué)家來(lái)過(guò)這兒，他告訴我說(shuō)這些化石有十億年了，再加上那是整整三年前的事了。”

　　英語(yǔ)爆笑短文：Give up your seat to a lady 給女士讓座

　　Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."

　　"You've done the right thing," says Mommy.

　　"But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."

　　小強(qiáng)尼說(shuō)：“媽媽，今天早上和爸爸在公車上時(shí)，他叫我讓座給一位女士。”

　　媽媽說(shuō)：“你做得很對(duì)呀。”

　　“但是，媽媽，我是坐在爸爸膝蓋上的。”