一 我們愛說冷笑話

　　1)Q: Where do cows go on dates?

　　A: MOOOOvies

　　(date是約會的意思，Moo為牛叫聲，movie則是電影院的意思)

　　2)Q: What kind of snack do you have during a scary movie?

　　A: I scream (ice cream).

　　(ice cream意為冰淇淋，兩者發(fā)音相似)

　　3)Q: Which runs faster, hot or cold?

　　A: Hot. Everyone can catch a cold.

　　(catch有抓住的意思，catch a cold是感冒的意思)

　　4)Q: How did the soldier fit his tank in his house?

　　A: It was a fish tank.

　　(tank有坦克的意思，而fish tank則意為魚缸)

　　5)Q: How can you tell the ocean is friendly?

　　A: It waves.

　　(wave有波濤翻滾的意思，也有揮手致意的意思)

　　6)Q: What kind of witch likes the beach?

　　A: A SAND witch (sandwich)

　　(Sandwich是三明治的意思，兩者發(fā)音相似)

　　7)Q: Why won’t the elephant use the computer?

　　A: He’s afraid of the mouse!

　　(鼠標和老鼠的英文皆為mouse)

　　8)Q: Which are the stronger days of the week?

　　A: Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

　　(week和weak同音)

　　9)Q: What letters are not in the alphabet?

　　A: The ones in the mail.

　　(letter有信件的意思，也有字母的意思)

　　二 冷笑話中英文

　　1.A Good Boy

　　Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

　　"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

　　"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

　　"She is the one who sells the candy."

　　小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。

　　“昨天給你的錢干什么了?”

　　“我給了一個可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。 “你真是個好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說。“再給你兩分錢?？赡銥槭裁磳δ俏焕咸敲锤信d趣呢?”

　　“她是個賣糖果的。”

　　2.The Reason of Being Late

　　Teacher: Johnny, why are you late for school every morning?

　　Johnny: Every time I come to the corner, a guidepost says, 'School -- Go Slow'.

　　遲到的原因

　　老　師：約翰尼，為什么你每天早晨都遲到?

　　約翰尼：每當(dāng)我經(jīng)過學(xué)校附近的拐角處，就見路牌上寫著‘學(xué)校-緩行’。

　　3.All Except the Music

　　A keen young teacher wanted to introduce her class to the glories of classical music, so she arranged an outing to an afternoon concert. To make the occasion even more memorable, she treated everyone to lemonade, cake, chocs and ices. Just as the party was getting back into their coach, she said to little Sally, "Have you enjoyed yourself today?"

　　"Oh, yes, miss!" said Sally, "It was lovely. All except the music, that is."

　　除了音樂

　　一位熱心的年輕教師想讓她的學(xué)生多了解一點優(yōu)秀的古典音樂，就安排了一天下午去聽音樂會。為了使這次活動能給大家留下更深的印象，她請大家喝檸檬汽水、吃點心、巧克力和冰淇淋。在大家回來上汽車的時候，她問小薩莉：“你今天玩得好嗎?”

　　“噢，好極了，小姐，” 薩莉說，“除了音樂其它都很好。”

　　4.The plural Form of "Child"

　　Teacher: What is the plural of man, Tom?

　　Tom: Men.

　　Teacher: Good. And the plural of child?

　　Tom: Twins.

　　"孩子"的復(fù)數(shù)形式

　　老師：湯姆，‘男人’這個詞的復(fù)數(shù)形式是什么?

　　湯姆：男人們。

　　老師：答得好。那‘孩子’的復(fù)數(shù)形式呢?

　　湯姆：雙胞胎。

　　5.When Do People Talk Least?

　　Student A: When do people talk least?

　　Student B: In February.

　　Student A: Why?

　　Student B: Because February is the shortest month of a year.

　　人們什么時候說話最少?

　　學(xué)生甲：人們在什么時候說話最少?

　　學(xué)生乙：在二月。

　　學(xué)生甲：為什么呢?

　　學(xué)生乙：因為二月是一年中最短的一個月。

　　6.Good news or bad news

　　An artist was part of an exhibition, and he asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings that were currently on display.

　　"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied.

　　"Give me the good news first," the artist demanded.

　　"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

　　"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What could the bad news possibly be?"

　　With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The gentleman in question was your doctor."

　　以為藝術(shù)家在一個畫廊辦了個展覽，他問店主是否有人對他參展的畫感興趣。

　　“我有一個好消息和一個壞消息。”店主回答。

　　“先告訴我好消息。”畫家要求道。

　　“好消息是一位紳士詢問了你的作品，還問它是否會在你死后增。我告訴他會的，然后他買下了你所有的15幅畫作。”

　　“那太棒了!”畫家驚嘆。“那么什么會是壞消息呢?”

　　店主想了想之后說：“問那個問題的是你的醫(yī)生”。

　　7.The smart Old Lady

　　An old lady who was very deaf and who thought everything too dear, went into a shop and asked the shopman:' How much this stuff?'

　　'Seven dollars, Madam, it is very cheap.'

　　The lady said, 'It is too much, give it to me for fourteen.'

　　'I did not say seventeen dollars, but seven.'

　　'It is still too much,' replied the old lady, 'give it to me for five.'

　　一位耳聾并且總是嫌?xùn)|西太貴的老太太走進一家商店。 她問店員：“這東西要多少錢?”

　　“七美元，太太，這是很便宜的。”

　　老太太說：“太貴了，十四美元差不多。”

　　店員忙說：“我沒說十七美元，是七美元。”

　　“還是太貴，”老太太說：“五美元，我就買啦。”

　　8.I don't think I know

　　Teacher: "John, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"

　　John: "What do you think it is, sir?"

　　Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"

　　John: "I don't think I know either, sir!"‘

　　老師：“John，動詞ring的過去分詞是什么?”。

　　約翰：“你想它是什么呢”?

　　老師：“我不用想，我知道!”。

　　約翰：“我想我不知道”。

　　9.The Climate of New Zealand

　　Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand?

　　Matthew: Very Cold, sir.

　　Teacher: Wrong.

　　Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen!

　　新西蘭的氣候

　　老師：馬修，新西蘭的氣候怎么樣?

　　馬修：先生，那里的天氣很冷。

　　老師：錯了。

　　馬修：可是，先生!從那兒運來的豬肉都凍得硬邦邦的。

　　10.My Sister's Fingers

　　Teacher: Kevin, why are you late this time?

　　Kevin: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home.

　　Teacher: I don't see any bandages.

　　Kevin: Oh, they weren't my fingers! I told my little sister to hold the nail.

　　我妹妹的手指頭

　　老師：凱溫，這次你怎么又遲到了?

　　凱溫：對不起，老師，我在家釘釘子，砸壞了兩個手指頭。

　　老師：怎么沒有扎繃帶呀?

　　凱溫：噢，砸的不是我的手指頭，我叫小妹妹扶著釘子的。

　　11.Improvement

　　One student to another: "How are your English lessons coming along?"

　　"Fine. I used to be one who couldn't understand the English men, and now it's the English men who can't understand me."

　　進步

　　一位學(xué)生對另一位說：“你的 英語 最近學(xué)的怎么樣?”

　　“很好，我過去不懂英國人說話，可現(xiàn)在是英國人不懂我的話了。”