1、Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

　　每一個(gè)成功的男人背后都有一個(gè)女人。每一個(gè)翻了船的成功男人背后往往是另一個(gè)女人。

　　2、I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

　　生活對(duì)于我來(lái)說(shuō)是小菜一碟，我通常就著鹽和檸檬，再來(lái)一小杯烈性酒。

　　意譯a：生活，是一團(tuán)麻……繩，……再加一根蠟燭……一柄皮鞭。

　　意譯b: 生活，不就是先狂吃菜，然后把烈性白酒一飲而盡?

　　3、The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

　　直譯：小孩子要中間名，純粹是為了讓他知道他啥時(shí)候真的有麻煩了。

　　直譯a：起個(gè)全名就為了揍孩子前可以底氣十足地喊出來(lái)。

　　意譯b：賈君鵬這名字就為了讓他媽喊他回家吃飯!

　　4、It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.

　　跳樓的時(shí)候，“啊——”的時(shí)候還沒(méi)死，“啪!”那才是死了。

　　5、Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

　　人工智能從來(lái)敵不過(guò)天然請(qǐng)勿使用不良詞語(yǔ)。

　　6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

　　a. 早起滴小鳥(niǎo)有蟲(chóng)蟲(chóng)!晚到的老鼠有奶酪!

　　b. 早起的鳥(niǎo)兒有蟲(chóng)吃，早起的蟲(chóng)兒被鳥(niǎo)吃。

　　7、We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

　　在咱們這噶噠送外賣的都比警察來(lái)的快.

　　8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

　　 如果對(duì)手不好使，自己的手必須好使。

　　9、 Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

　　有些人就像 Slinkies (彈簧玩具)，沒(méi)什么實(shí)在用處，但看他們?cè)跇翘萆系跪v來(lái)?yè)v騰去還是很有喜感。

　　10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

　　政客和紙尿布有一個(gè)共同點(diǎn)就是：他們都很有規(guī)律地被替換，而且因?yàn)橥粋€(gè)理由——臟了!!

　　11、War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

　　戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)不能決出正義，但能判出哪方出局。

　　12、Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

　　a. 女人的高潮可能是裝出來(lái)的。但是男人**可以整段感情都是裝出來(lái)的!

　　b. 女人假裝高潮以獲取真實(shí)的感情;男人假裝感情以獲取真實(shí)的高潮。

　　13、We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

　　我們永遠(yuǎn)不可能真正的成熟，我們只是學(xué)會(huì)在眾人面前裝逼。

　　14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

　　男人就兩種狀態(tài)：餓 和 **。 要是他不硬，就給他個(gè)三明治!

　　15、Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

　　光總是比聲音跑的快點(diǎn)….這就是為嘛有些SB只有在開(kāi)口說(shuō)話之后你才發(fā)現(xiàn)他是在裝B…

　　16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

　　我媽每次對(duì)著我罵草泥馬的時(shí)候都沒(méi)看出其中笑點(diǎn)。

　　17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

　　曾以為我想要的是職業(yè)，結(jié)果發(fā)現(xiàn)我只是想要工資。

　　18、If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

　　你要是覺(jué)得沒(méi)人在乎你的死活,那你不妨嘗試一下跟你的債主玩躲貓貓~~

　　19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

　　20、Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

　　晚間新聞總是以“晚上好”開(kāi)頭，再告訴你你為什么好不了。

　　21、I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

　　開(kāi)始我直接求上帝賜輛自行車。 后來(lái)我琢磨上帝辦事兒不是這個(gè)路數(shù)。 于是老子偷了一輛然后求上帝寬恕。

　　22、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

　　我希望能像爺爺那樣，安靜地在睡夢(mèng)中死去…… 而不是要像他開(kāi)的車上那些慘叫滴乘客一樣死法啊!

　　23、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

　　你永遠(yuǎn)不能戰(zhàn)勝一個(gè)純SB,因?yàn)樗麜?huì)把你的智商拉到跟他個(gè)水平,然后用豐富的經(jīng)驗(yàn)打敗你

　　24、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

　　直譯：在這個(gè)世界上,我最不愿意做的事就是傷害你,但是這件事仍在我的考慮之列。

　　意譯a：我真不想傷害你，但你也別逼我。

　　意譯b：吾雖不殺伯仁，伯仁由我而死。

　　25、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…

　　a. 如覺(jué)嘿咻乃屁眼不能承受之痛，那是你操錯(cuò)洞…

　　b.

　　26、I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

　　老子拼死拼活?yuàn)^斗到食物鏈頂端，不是為了成為一個(gè)素食者。

　　27、A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

　　公車站呀公車停?；疖囌狙交疖囃?。俺桌上有個(gè)工作站…

　　28、If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

　　要是我聽(tīng)你的，咱倆就都2B了。

　　29、 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

　　海豚可聰明了你知道不?只要馴養(yǎng)幾個(gè)星期，它們就能讓人類乖乖站在池邊給它們?nèi)郁~(yú)吃了。

　　30、A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

　　a. 下棋，我不行;玩跆拳道，電腦不行!

　　b. 下象棋電腦把我玩得團(tuán)團(tuán)轉(zhuǎn)，拳擊我能把機(jī)箱踹得七零八散!

　　34、Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

　　a. 寧愿閉嘴當(dāng)傻瓜，也別學(xué)烏鴉亂呱呱。

　　b. 越解釋越SB，不說(shuō)話最NB。

　　c. 剽悍的人生不需要解釋

　　d. 寧可閉口被人當(dāng)SB，也不張口解釋所有疑。

　　31、How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

　　直譯：一根火柴能點(diǎn)著整片森林，一盒火柴也生不起個(gè)營(yíng)火，這咋回事!

　　意譯：想當(dāng)年哥戴套都能讓人懷孕，看今朝叔竟然去看男科

　　32、If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

　　如果4/5的人在忍受腹瀉的痛苦，那剩下1/5咋回事?很享受嗎?

　　33、Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

　　直譯：知識(shí)就是說(shuō)你知道西紅柿是一種水果;智慧就好似不要把它放進(jìn)水果沙拉里。

　　意譯a：知識(shí)就是告訴你說(shuō)應(yīng)該把雞蛋放進(jìn)籃子，智慧則是叫你不要把所有雞蛋都放進(jìn)一個(gè)籃子。

　　意譯b:所謂知識(shí)就是知道韓少和小四都屬于80后，但智慧告訴你這終還是男女有別~

　　35、A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

　　銀行就是當(dāng)你證明了你不需要錢的時(shí)候可以借錢給你的地方

　　36、Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

　　a.對(duì)你的問(wèn)題哈哈大笑吧，別人都在這么做。

　　b. 你有什么不開(kāi)心的?說(shuō)出來(lái)給大家開(kāi)心開(kāi)心。

　　37、The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

　　a. 我知道沒(méi)人在我腦子里跟我聊天，但那些話真TM有用!

　　意譯：我幻想的低吟不一定是真的，但足夠讓我意淫

　　38、A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

　　a. 無(wú)愧于心哈?記性不好吧?

　　意譯b： 自從那次在人妖身邊醒來(lái)，每次去夜店我都提醒自己“一定要戴眼鏡……”

　　c. 意識(shí)清醒了，意味著不堪回首了。

　　39、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

　　a. 所謂的好姑娘，咳!就是還沒(méi)被群眾抓到的JP女·····

　　b. 想立牌坊就得會(huì)裝

　　40、He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

　　臨危忽然微笑的那誰(shuí)，定是找到替罪羊鳥(niǎo)~

　　41、 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

　　如果女人能做到以禿頂和啤酒肚在大街上晃還覺(jué)得自己倍兒性感——此時(shí)估計(jì)男女能平等。

　　42、The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

　　小腿上的骨頭——在黑房間里找準(zhǔn)家具位置的好裝備。

　　43、The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

　　圣誕老人當(dāng)然美，他知道所有YD妞住哪兒啊!

　　44、To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

　　剽竊一個(gè)人的叫剽竊，剽竊許多人的叫研究。

　　意譯：竊鉤者誅，竊國(guó)者為諸侯。

　　45、Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

　　有些人一來(lái)大家就開(kāi)心了;有些人一走大家就開(kāi)心了。.

　　46、 I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

　　我發(fā)現(xiàn)，我滴腳丫被一小片兒海藻擦過(guò)時(shí)，我滴那個(gè)慘叫聲——和我被大白鯊嚇壞時(shí)的慘叫聲是一樣滴。

　　47、Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

　　直譯：你若是擠滿人的電梯里的小矮人，肯定能嗅出不同的味兒。

　　意譯：靈感來(lái)自于所站的角度與眾不同。

　　48、I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

　　我可沒(méi)怨你!我是在譴責(zé)你!

　　49、 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?

　　當(dāng)我填表的時(shí)候，有一項(xiàng)是“緊急情況聯(lián)系：” 我填上了“醫(yī)生”，到時(shí)候我媽能幫上什么忙?!